But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light. Once you were not a people, but now you are God’s people; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy. Beloved, I urge you as sojourners and exiles to abstain from the passions of the flesh, which wage war against your soul. - 1 peter 2:9-11

For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin. There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do. By sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin, he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit. For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit. For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace. For the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God, for it does not submit to God’s law; indeed, it cannot. Those who are in the flesh cannot please God.- Romans7:22-25, 8:1-8

I have felt this war so, so strongly of late. There is one sin I really struggle with and I can feel the fight within me, and unfortunately, most of the time, I allow my flesh to win over me. And according to those verse, that sets me at odds with God – makes me hostile toward Him.

Last night I felt the fight again – I was singing “author and perfecter” in my head about considering “him who endured the cross and all it’s shame” and was getting ready to sin against the very person who had died for me. I disgust myself.

This morning I want to pull an Ephesians 6 -

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints… – Ephesians 6:10-18

And I need to keep on keeping on -

Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.

When you find yourselves flagging in your faith, go over that story again, item by item, that long litany of hostility he plowed through. That will shoot adrenaline into your souls! - Hebrews 12:1-3 (ESV & The Message)

…written between homework assignments…

he ran his fingers through his hair and her heart jumped. he walked slowly toward her, slowly with determination and a little bit of fear. so, do you want to dance? She smiled, and took his hand as “In the Mood” began to play.

I don’t think she has one…

and yet, you never do, so I must not be worth talking to…

The tears ran down her cheeks as she pulled the letters from her trunk. Each one written with such a false tenderness that at the time seemed so real. She opened the first one and smoothed out the wrinkles. He always signed off with I love you and now she realized, it was all a lie.

…to live a life worth getting out of bed for…

…written in the silence of a sunday afternoon…

She looked across the room and saw him, that dashing boy, his deep blue eyes penetrating and his dark brown hair just long enough without being too long. He looked in her direction and looked right through her. It wasn’t a romantic, he-could-see-into-my-soul type moment, it was almost as if she didn’t exist. His eyes continued to scan the room and rested on a petite blonde with a pretty face – they smiled at each other and the plain, brown haired girl felt invisible.

Alone, on the swing she sat, wondering why it was people say someone fell head over heels. After all, aren’t our heads always over our heels? Shouldn’t it be heels over head?

All she really wanted was to get away, to seek out friendlier skies, to escape reality. She was like Blanche DuBois, she wanted to be like Blanche DuBois, she didn’t want realism, she wanted magic! She wanted a holiday from real.

With pen in hand, she started writing. Would that I had the courage to tell him how I feel. If that courage were housed within me, I would write love to him so passionately, this pen would break at the intensity. she paused, pen poised in the air above the paper. But do I have this courage? Indeed not, I am a simple, silly schoolgirl without a hope in the world.

I will lie not, that it was not until this night I did truly miss last year, and being young.

I have had such strong desires to grow up, to be more than I am now, to live on my own, to be “free” (aka have more responsibility). These desires have been so overwhelming, and now, all I want is to be in senior year again, just so I can have those times back.

Those times before the church became campus oriented, and proxy was 3 nights a week. Those times when I got to see all the shoreline kids, when there were more people to love at ballard, when i was a student who spent time with the other students even when I was leading. Those times when I went to retreats and grew so much i thought i would never be the same, and i truly never have been. As the saying goes, “those were the days.”

Now I feel almost as an afterthought. I know that I am serving God, that I am affecting the lives of the jr highers, but I miss, like no other, the ability to be bombarded with hugs at shoreline, to hear the music of joanna and the facemelters at ballard, and to play insane silly games while trying to figure out how to get the powerpoint to work in west seattle.  I miss hugging Rachel, Felicia, Hannah, Sam, Cooper, Jenny, Jens (or at the very least, doing the finger touch). I miss the people I never got to go to youth group with, Devon, Connor (even though we went, I didn’t really know ‘im).

God, content me with what you have given me, and allow me to count the blessings of last year, and praise you that you were so good to me.

…a peace that comes in sleep
…the  fulfillment of fantasies that only comes in dreaming

would that i had the ability to control the dreams mine eye sees when it sees not the fallen, beautiful world waking eyes do view. if this ability i had, each night would be spent in restful slumber, and early would i hence, for the sooner i to bed, the sooner would i dream.

oh, and these dreams, and the wonders contained therein. such wonders could not be, and would not be recorded by simple keys on a net that connects the world, but would rather be penned in fine hand on crisp fine paper, for the tales in those dreams would be so fantastical if they were to be put in a journal for all to see none would believe it and would think the writer had devised it – which would indeed be the fact – though none would see the true beauty of it.

would that i had the ability to control dreams for tonight i would desire a story worthy of the most wondrous faerie tales, a story in the language of the Bard or the great Miss Austen, a story in which the prince is handsome, a story in which i am beautiful, a story in which there is love.

would that i had the ability to control dreams…

…whore…

 

“she said, ‘I will go after my lovers,
who give me my bread and my water,
my wool and my flax, my oil and my drink.’
Therefore I will hedge up her way with thorns,
and I will build a wall against her,
so that she cannot find her paths.
She shall pursue her lovers
but not overtake them,
and she shall seek them
but shall not find them.
And she did not know
that it was I who gave her
the grain, the wine, and the oil,
and who lavished on her silver and gold,
which they used for Baal.
Therefore I will take back
my grain in its time,
and my wine in its season,
and I will take away my wool and my flax,
which were to cover her nakedness.” – Hosea 2:5, 7-9

 

I have taken the things God gave me in love, like a husband gives his wife, and used them to worship and love other things, like a prostitute.

 

…however…

 

“And in that day, declares the LORD, you will call me ‘My Husband,’ and no longer will you call me ‘My Baal.’ For I will remove the names of the Baals from her mouth, and they shall be remembered by name no more.” – Hosea 2:16-17

I pray that God will allow me to forget the things I have worshiped other than Him, that I will be able to call Him “my God” as Nehemiah did.

“And I will betroth you to me forever. I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and in mercy. I will betroth you to me in faithfulness. And you shall know the LORD.” – Hosea 2:19-20

Jesus, my beloved prince, help me to be faithful as you are, to love as you do.

Today, I have come to the re-realization that I am truly and insanely blessed.

I feel like compiling a short list of things I can be thankful for, right now -

1) The fact that I have a computer, the internet, can type and read what I am typing.

2) The fact that I have a roof over my head and family under it that love me too!

3) The fact that I am part of an amazing church, filled with very talented, blessed people who help me to used my talents to serve my awesome God.

4) The fact that I have friends, like one who had coffee with me today, who love me and are willing to put up with me and love me despite my failings.

5) The fact that I live in a country of freedom and education – as a woman I can be educated at a public school and have been given the right to learn, that is a wonderful thing.

6) The fact of motorized vehicles – without the bus to get me to school in the morning, I would be a very depressed person.

7) The fact of a loving Savior, and a jealous God. He refuses to leave me as I am, He loves me and that means he wants me to be better than I am, that He wants me to desire to be like Him.

God is good! All the time!
All the time! God is good!